alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
All the doctor said was why
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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