I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
