My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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