I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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