At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
