I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
