I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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