Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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