We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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