he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize