I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
You ruined the universe
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
