Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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