Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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