Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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