who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
