Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
