Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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