dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
only you would photoshop your dick
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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