I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
