I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
