my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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