I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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