And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
