The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
