I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
