Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
