so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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