My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Randomize
