Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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