I don't usually arrange sex via text message
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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