i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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