so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
