even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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