just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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