My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
