I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
