My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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