just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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