i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
