It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We have started to decorate penises.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
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