Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
