Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
