The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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