I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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