Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
