i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
