Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I intend to get homeless drunk
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
