I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize