We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize