fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Everyone says I win the strip club
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
