I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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