just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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