Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
so let's talk penis.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
