He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
