I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
