I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
