I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize