it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize