You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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