My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize