Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
