Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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