Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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