11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
