nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
